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A Message to Families:
Practice an Act of Kindness
In the prearrangement conference, people are able to make decisions for themselves. In doing so, they are sparing their loved ones the emotional burden of making these decisions at the same time they are dealing with their loss.
Editor's note: This article, a consumer education piece, first appeared in The Bell Tower, a newsletter published for property owners and friends of West Laurel Hill Cemetery in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania.
By Todd Woodside
 It's 3 a.m. and the ring of the telephone startles you awake. It's the night shift head nurse telling you that your Great-Uncle Charlie has died in his sleep at the rest home. Her message: "Sorry for your loss. I need you to have a funeral director contact us immediately."
You call a funeral director and make an appointment for the following day. You're told to bring a few things such as your uncle's Social Security number, insurance policies, military discharge papers and any prearrangement information you may have. You arrive early, having never gotten back to sleep after the initial call. But you don't know the Social Security number, you're not sure if there are any life insurance policies or discharge papers and you're not sure what "prearrangement" is.
Facing a Loss
Although this scenario may seem exaggerated, it's not. On average, a person makes funeral arrangements once every 13 years. It's not something you wish to do often and it's not something you get good at. I purposely used the scenario of "Uncle Charlie" to somewhat displace the emotional trauma that can occur when the death is that of a parent, spouse or sibling.
As a funeral director, I serve families experiencing loss every day. For the family of the decedent, it's one of the worst days of their lives. Emotions of sorrow, disbelief, anger, shock and regret are running at full speed. Conventional wisdom isn't at the forethought of their thought processes.
My role is to be sympathetic to their emotions while simultaneously leading them through the statistical facts and details needed to complete the legal, technical and traditional aspects of the funeral arrangements. During the arrangement conference, questions such as the decedent's mother's maiden name, level of education, place of birth and field of employment need to be answered. On our best day, some of this information eludes our memories.
Now, weigh in the volatile emotional factor and imagine making decisions such as type of funeral (e.g., traditional vs. cremation) and type of service (e.g., church, graveside, funeral home, alternative site) plus attempting to schedule everything to accommodate immediate family and out-of-town family members, friends and colleagues.
This is only a thumbnail sketch of the significant decisions to be made at the initial funeral arrangement conference. All this emotional expenditure and we haven't even attended the funeral service yet.
Choosing to Decide
There is a better way: prearrangement. As the word indicates, prearrangement means planning and making these important decisions prior to death. In the prearrangement conference, the very same questions and decisions are addressed as in the at-need funeral conference. However, in the prearrangement conference, people are able to make decisions for themselves. In doing so, they are sparing their loved ones the emotional burden of making these decisions at the same time they are dealing with their loss. Also, prearrangement guarantees that your funeral will be performed to your personal specifications.
One final point of interest in prearrangement is the payment and guaranteed "lock in" of the funeral costs. With the prearranged funeral, properly funded, the cost of the funeral service is guaranteed to never increase, regardless of when the death occurs.
I serve families every day as they endure the worst day of their lives with tears in their eyes. Will prearrangement cause the emotions to cease? No. Will it cause the tears to disappear? No. However, as an experienced funeral director, I sincerely feel that one of the most significant acts of kindness you can do for those you have loved, cared for and provided for is not to burden them with painful decisions, responsibilities and unexpected expenses on the worst day of their lives.
Todd D. Woodside is vice president of sales and marketing for West Laurel Hill Cemetery and R.R. Bringhurst Funeral Home of Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania.
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