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Chapter 28: The Value of Listening
by Todd W. Van Beck
Two Marvelous Gifts
The human ear is a marvelous organ. In its intricate construction lies the priceless gift of hearing. By means of it, the brain is enabled to catch impressions and information so vital to success, happiness, and physical well-being.
But many blessed with hearing lack the ability of listening! Many of us choose to air our views, our ideas, our desires, our aims, and our virtues, rather than listen to the other fellow. Thus, we not only reduce our opportunities to learn, but we fail to use the strategy of listening which so effectively wins client goodwill.
Being a listener is really not difficult. It simply means that a person stops talking and starts hearing. Being an effective listeneris difficult and requires intentional discipline and practice.
When you listen intently, it pleases the speaker and invites his confidence. He feels that you appreciate his words and that you have discriminating judgment. He is encouraged to tell you more. As all funeral professionals who make arrangements can attest, the habit of listening builds goodwill and generates valuable information.
The Listening Attitude Pleases
I once worked for a funeral director who was an outstanding listener. One evening, during a wake, a man came up and started to talk the arm off this funeral director. I stood by and watched the whole scenario play out.
Eventually, the talkative man ran out of steam, and my employer thanked the man and went about his business. A few minutes later, the talkative man came up to me and said, "Your boss-wow, he sure is an intelligent man." I asked, "Why? He didn't say a dozen words to you." The man replied, "Well, he listened to me talk, didn't he? That's why I think your boss is a smart man."
It is a strange quirk in human vanity that causes the speaker to like a good listener. At times, we are all bored by some long-winded talker who imagines we are captivated by his words or voice. There is some compensation in listening even to a bore. He likes us for our attentiveness and thinks we're "smart."
"I'm Telling You!"
It is amusing to observe the tendency in others to do all the talking, how they can scarcely wait for the chance to cut in with their voice, and how impatiently they listen! Notice how often "I'm telling you" occurs in the average conversation. Yes, there are people who have egos that make it difficult for them to use their ears more and their mouths less, but this type of egotism has no place in helping profession like funeral service.
how often have you been exasperated by someone's failure to get your instructions right? Did the staff member listen to you carefully? Probably not. Think of mistakes that have occurred in funeral homes every day because people just don't listen. Valuable messages, important instructions, and requests go in one ear and out the other. In the funeral profession, this carelessness in listening is very dangerous.
Clients Out-Talked Often Walk Out
A client will often refuse to transact with anyone who will not listen to what he or she wants to discuss. Permitting the client to give open expression to his wants or opinions enables every funeral professional to know how to better serve and create satisfaction.
When I first started to present caskets, I was mostly concerned with memorizing the assortment that we offered and the scripts I had regarding the different merits of each casket.
One day, I was presenting the caskets to a single lady and I was going on and on. Little did I realize that she was trying in vain to ask me a question. And little did I know that my employer was listening in, unseen, hearing all of my verbiage.
Finally, my employer stepped in and greeted the lady. She literally gasped with relief. "I know you'll answer the question I've been trying to ask for the last twenty minutes!" I could have died, and my employer took over, much to the gratification of the lady.
Later, I did a lot of wholehearted listening to my boss concerning the art of listening. He asked me to seriously study my own style and reactions. Didn't I warm up to the person who listened to me with interest? Didn't I respect and like my associates who listened to me? This funeral director was absolutely righ6t, and my listening to him helped me avoid future errors and increased my effectiveness as a funeral director.
Listening: A Safety Valve for Complaints
A friend of mine owns a large and very reputable funeral home in a Western city. Over the door of the staff lounge is a sign that reads: "The knowledge of when to keep silent is golden." On his staff, he has identified two people, one a man and the other a woman, who serve as his "listeners" to complaints, taking the motto to heart!
Experience has taught this wise funeral director that the quickest way to settle complaints agreeably is to lend a friendly, attentive ear. His listeners are instructed to answer calls in this manner: "Hello, Mrs. Jones, this is Bill Bowe." "Hello, Mrs. Johnson, this is Mary Shoemaker."
The complaining client is usually disarmed by these friendly sounding voices and the kind attitude that accompanies them. Then, the listening starts. As the criticism goes on, the listener replies with a gentle "yes" or "is that so?" These listeners let the client get a complaint out of his or her system, and 80 percent of the time what started out to be a client changing loyalty away from the funeral home ends up to be a loyal, re-established, satisfied client. The funeral director believes that his listeners are worth thousands of dollars a year in the loyalty of clients saved.
It Must be Interested Listening
Important as it is to listen, it is equally important to listen with real interest. You can develop the habit of being really interested when you regard the words of a client as being the "pay" for your funeral career. There is much you can mentally discard, but here and there will be a golden gem of information worth storing away in your memory. Pretending interest you don't feel is as bad as not listening at all. The other person senses whether your attention is on the level, and nowhere is this more true than a funeral arrangement conference.
The famous Supreme Court Justice and great thinker Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. once wrote these words to a brash aspiring, young politician:
"To be able to listen to others in a sympathetic and understanding manner is perhaps the most effective mechanism in the world for getting along with people and tying up their friendship for good. Too few people practice the magic of being a good listener."
What you want to say, what you want to do, what your troubles are, and how you gain some advantage are not important all the time to the other person. The personal pronouns "I," "me," and "mine" in relation to a client are the ones that the client is most interested in. Remembering this in our funeral careers can give us a great insight in listening. Always remember: The other person's voice and the other person's story may be the voice of opportunity for you!
Twelve Techniques to Improve Listening
- Shut up! This may sound a little blunt, but no one can talk and listen at the same time.
- Recognize that listening is something you do for personal success.
- You must want to listen better.
- Work on becoming less self-centered.
- Prepare to listen.
- Work hard at listening.
- Check for nonverbal cues.
- Hold your fire-don't interrupt.
- Don't plan your response while the person is talking.
- Overcome distractions.
- When you need to hear everything a person is saying, say to yourself, "Right now, understanding this person's feelings is more important than understanding everything he or she is saying."
- Practice making the decisions you need to make about people and events without coming to final conclusions about them.
Discussion Questions
- How do you describe effective listening?
- Why is good listening such a powerful tool?
- How can we improve our listening skills?
- How can we discreetly shift conversations with clients who are getting long-winded?
Todd W. Van Beck is president of the Commonwealth Institute of Funeral Service in Houston, Texas. He is a licensed funeral director and embalmer and is dean of two colleges of ICFA University, the Funeral and Commemorative Services College and the new College of Embalming and Restorative Arts. He can be reached at (281) 873-0262 and at tvanbeck@yahoo.com.
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Copyright ICFA 2003
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